A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in next week. I thought it was a good move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an Automotive Club van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."