A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.  When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,  3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.  I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!" 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. 

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an Automotive Club van parked on the side of the road.  The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."